A real cool retreat where men in my church gather and talk about the real stuff…haha.

Got some take home message from it:

“you don’t need a makeover of your heart, you need a new one!”.

This phrase cut my heart when Kirk was leading worship during Friday night. I guess I haven’t really been serious enough with God in terms of areas like discipline and passion for the great commission. And I reckon the number 1 thing I need to do now is to reignite a rousing relationship with him - I mean to delight, enjoy and take walks together with Him. I can’t see any other way in which my heart is gonna change much, apart from his intervention and through learning how to experience His love in a deeper way.

On a side note, I was a little sad that, sometimes, people put up walls. I call these emotional barriers; in a way, it is like redrawing boundaries. You wish for deepening friendships but they remain at a superficial level, or even regress. An interesting conversation in Galvin’s page resonates with how I feel:

Galvin’s page

I guess people do this for a variety of reasons and I can’t possibly read their thoughts. But so long as I have the assurance of God’s love, I can continue to believe in frienships and love. May the Lord be glorified in whatever we do.

Went also for the missions conference. One thing kept coming back to me - the Christless millions, will non-believers really go to hell? I hope to grapple with this truth in the coming week. As of now, I really feel unqualified to be a missionary and unfit for noble use. But I know that the most important thing here is not about ability but on God’s call and personal willingness to sacrifice. I just hope that if such a time comes, I will not hesitate. Only let me ready myself. Else I think there is very little chance of me going because:

Many are called, but few are chosen

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure; it is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

(so let us) in our shrinking, that people would not feel insecure around us, that we may shine as Children of light…

…as we unconsciously let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others the permission to do the same, our presence automatically liberates others…

So so agree man….the world has enough of overbearing religiosity!

Thats the movie I watched on the way back to Singapore. The story is about the racial genocides launched by the Hutus against the Tutsi during the Rwandan civil war. Hotel Rwanda was very much like a UN sanctuary against all the merciless killings outside.

Was very wrenched when watching the show. There was a scene when the caucasians were being evacuated by the UN and the blacks were left alone in the hotel to die; the people were very perplex…why are they not included in the rescue?… That 5 minutes was so poignant as I see the despair in the people’s faces. The lost of hope in their eyes.

I thought about how Jesus wept when he saw the tears of those weeping for Lazarus. The heart rending sorrow of death and separation. How we, as the pinnacle of the world’s creation, have to suffer such a terrible fate. If that is so, how much more will this sorrow be, when judgment day approaches. A great separation between the sheep and the goats, between black and white, between thosed redeemed and those perishing. And I guess I could only emphathize in the smallest way, how deep our grief would be that day, when our brother and sisters are separated from us forever. How grievous it would be to our Lord as well, as he watches his dear children pass out of his sight eternally.

I struggle to believe this fact, that the final day is coming. Cos if it is true, why then is my life not being a desparate testimony to that fact. Help me overcome the unbelieve!

Impatience. This is one of my weakness. And the irony is, I am so thankful to others for their patience with me…haha

Was just having some hustle with my tuition kid. I just don’t understand why he doesn’t understand. Spent a whole hour going through a very straightforward concept. It is so simple that it is leaping and jumping and waving hands at me…but he just doesn’t get it.

Then I realised, once more, that the situation is pretty similar as when the Lord is teaching me. I can just imagine the exasperation he face day after day, trying to remind me of some very basic principles I am thankful that He has not given up on me. Thankful for his faith in me.

I really enjoyed teaching this student of mine. In many ways, it reminded me of my own relationship with my Father. Feel a great connection! Hope to get to know him/Him more Ganbatte.

And of course…I feel a great weight lifted up, after my own exams that is

Today was depressive. The sea is as brass and the sky bronze. Truly, my mood was as the weather. Why are you so downcast O my soul, why so disturbed within me?

If one is human…one will have limits…one will have his ups and downs in life. But why should life be so complicating? Why can’t it be filled with joy and happiness all the time? Surely, no one in the right mind will go looking for something to feel depressed about.

I feel weak at times. Underpowered. Overwhelmed. Circumstances don’t go as I want to. I wish God could give me an explanation for it *laughs*. I know that, sometimes, my paltry concerns are not worth mentioning compared to others and what God has to face each day…but still, I do enjoy the release of expressing my feelings to Him Literally, to give him a “piece of my mind” hehe.

But yet, I know that its not worth clinging on to depression. Its a choice to snap out of it and move on. Where does that activation energy to do so come from? For me, I cling desperately to Him, lest I fall into the abyss of dark emotions…

“Put your hope in God for I will yet praise Him, my saviour and my God”

Surely, He will show me all things, in His time.

In His Time
In His time
In His time
He makes all things beautiful
In His time

Lord my life to you I bring
May each song I have to sing
Be to You a lovely thing
In Your time
In Your time
In Your time
You makes all things beautiful
In Your time

Lord please show me every day
As You’re teaching me Your way
And I’ll do just what You say
In Your time

Just recently, a colleague’s father passed away. Another colleague’s father suffered from a major stroke and is awaiting operation next week. (Pls pray!) Yet another earthquake fell upon Nias, not long after Tsunami… In the face of death, news of weddings and pregnancies are the rage these days, with the economy on the up turn in Singapore and everyone generally feeling optimistic towards the future.

What irony - Birth, Life, Marriage, Aging, Death. The whole cycle continues without abating for the past thounsands of years?! And yet, we are so caught up in the whole act of living out of life, that we forget ultimate questions of eternity. Who am I? (Identity) What is the meaning of my life? (Purpose) Where am I going next? (Destiny). Do we wait, until it is all too late? Do we spend lots of money on insurance and striving for financial independence, without allocating even a penny of resource to ask such simple questions? When forced to a crunch, these are the ultimate questions that will save us from folly.

Just finished re-reading Mountain Rain – a biography on a missionary James Fraser, and was not a little encouraged by this man’s life. James gave his life for missions since the age of 22. He was an accomplished piano concert player and had just graduated from Imperial College UK. Whatsmore, ignoring the comforts of the more populated Chinese cities, he went into the mountain interior, to reach out to the Lisu tribes, faithfully doing it until the age of late 30s for more than 10 years. Did he ever complain to God about the need for a Sabbath? Did he ever complain to God about the need for a partner? (I wonder..) But he persevered nonetheless…faithful to God and God’s call for him. In those days, the sacrifice is immense and the work back-breaking. We do not have mobile phones. We take ages to travel, since ocean is the primary form of international transport and jungle tracks for land transport (there are no roads in the mountains!). We constantly face the danger of storms, wars and tropical diseases. Depression, discouragement and loneliness are constant companions… The sacrifice is very great and the faith demanded overwhelming.

Yet, the 21st century is a time of opportunity. We started flying. We started using mobile phones and the internet. We started commerce between nations. We enjoy peace in many countries. We started standardizing and setup means of exchange for many activities – financial, language, currency, immigration customs, flying rules, shipping rules and so on. We started using IT and digital technologies such as VCDs/DVDs/Storage equipment. We started having global media coverage and use internet as a global means of trawling information. Spiderman says “with much power, comes great responsibility”. What should we do in the face of so much comforts and technology?

For myself, I struggle internally to make sense of my role in this age. How can I play a part? Passion wanes when it is not cultivated. Desire to do something and not doing it is worse than doing nothing. I feel a certain restlessness, and I want to do something about it. Shall adopt a “Think Big, Start Small” mentality. Hope the next 2 months will be useful for my Father to engineer a change in my heart.

A colleague of mine just received Christ! I am really glad when she broke the news to me….yay Sister, if you are reading this blog, just want to say, that I am very encouraged to pray now! After all the reasoning with you and no real response…the news you bring today has really taught me that its not just logic or cognitive response that shows a person to Christ…it is the personal ministry of the Holy Spirit that touches our inner most being. Inspired to pray for your deepening in the Lord

Num 6:24-26
The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace.

Today did not started out well. I left my laptop at home and rushed back to collect it. Wasted quite abit of time. Well, thats not too bad cos my work allows me to work from my residence (yay!)

Was feeling a little perplexed and melancholic towards the evening…was going through a horrid stack of notes and then have to deal with certain negative thoughts that come my way. Can’t help these thoughts sometimes bcos I tend to over-analyse many things….which means that sometimes, I get so consumed in it that I can’t get out of it!

I went for a nice bike ride at a secluded place known as keat hong camp. It is a disused army training area that had lots of dirt tracks and far flung spaces of greenery. Was very much cheered by the setting sun and the cool evening breeze. Even better is that there aren’t any people around…for miles and miles - a real treat in Singapore

Was feeling a little down trodden intially…so I got down from my bike and started strolling, voicing up many feelings bottled inside of me….and in Mandarin!! I wish I can pre-know many things — pre-know my calling in life, pre-know my life partner, pre-know exactly what to do in the next few years, pre-know what area to serve in in church….and of course pre-know the stock market as well if God actually permits Then one does not have to take risk. Then one does not have to try out things and make mistakes. Then one will never be hurt, set-backed, rejected and disillusioned. But then again, one, will also never grow.

Vaguely, I do remember, once being a rather zestful personality. But the vicissitudes of life, with its never-ending concerns and anxiety, has pragmatically snuffed out much of the idealist in me. I seriously need to recover God’s passion once more….I need to take a next step….I need to deliberately seek his calling for my life.

Have you wondered, in our busy modern day, what is the chief end of our lives?

There was a time when I was young, when I briefly pondered a simpler version of this question.
I yearn for a “True God” that I can really trust. Didn’t want a man-made one, conjured out to soothe the insecure worries of man. With so many in the market, how can I be certain which is the right one? I think I was crying then, after a good old beating from my mom. Strangled a short prayer under the blanket to this “unknown God” out there. I really really want to know him, but I want the “real stuff”.

Interesting enough, this little prayer of mine was answered 10 over years later, when I was 20.
God met me at the church camp and I received what the Charismatics (a Christian denomination) termed as the “baptism of the Holy Spirit”. The reality of God came bursting into my life. I realised then, there is a real God out there, and that he has a name - Jesus Christ.

Hence, to me, man’s chief end is not for some noble “bigger than life” kind of purpose. Man’s chief goal is not “for what” but “to him”. The chief aim in life is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. (Westminster Shorter Catechism).

That’s my testimony, but what relevance does it have for the rest of the world? For a very simple reason - our human lifespans are very much finite. At our death bed, we do not care very much for scientific arguments, abstract philosphies and novel ideas of leaving our legacy behind in the form of children and history books. Those are noble goals, but try one step better - what happens after death? Our ancestors and philosphers have long grappled with these ultimate questions:

1.Creation - Where do we come from? Where are we going to?
2.Being Good - Why should one be good? What or who defines the standard/benchmark/yardstick of what is good? How good is good enough?
3.Religion - Is religion man made or God made? Are these partial revealations all leading to the same God?

However, this is a blog page, not a thesis!! Hence, I will just share from my personal experience and leave this “chim” questions for another day.

As I grow older, God began to show me the condition of my heart. It says in the bible:

“the heart is deceitful beyong understanding”

And apparently, I find it very much so, as I begin to reflect into my inner motivations. Many nice “christian” things that I did, are not really done out of love for others, but because of my own selfish ambition and ego. Do you know that even in doing good things, we can have wrong motives? The bible says that the “righteousness of man is as filthy rags to the Lord”. I really believe so when it said:

“All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”

If our own righteousness could bring us life, then there is no need for Jesus to die for us. But since history, how many of us can claim to have been worthy enough for God to give us eternal life? God’s standards are so so exacting! Who can enter heaven on his own strength? If the standards are sky high, then tremble, because we know that death is holding our lives in ransom. Jesus really really have to come to die for us. I look inside my life. I look outside into the world. I look even into the church. I realised how desperately we need Jesus.
“God’s care for humanity was so great that he sent his unique Son among us, so that those who count on him might not lead a futile and failing existence, but have the undying life of God himself.”

I can never fully comprehend how much God sacrificed when he gave his son to die in our place. He became a curse. The rejection, the pain, the sufferings, the rape, the genocides…all the sorrow of man from the dawn of time to the closing of the ages, he took it on in one cosmic moment. How dreadful it is when our sin cause the divine separation of the son from the father. I will never comprehend. I can only imagine and know the debt that we owe our God.

Hillo CG,

With regards to depression, I don’t have a cure-all, only what I have been through and thought through…so I thought it a good opportunity to share my experiences.

Depression has always been a companion ever since I went over to UK, worsened by the fact that as my critical faculties developed, I become more “melancholic” . There were many times in which I feel incapacitated, wanting very much to share with someone, yet not wanting to talk to anybody at all. These times were always despairing. I thought being in the church would secure me from all such feelings, but that wasn’t true. I wish then that I could find kindred spirits whom I can rely on, share my struggles and aspirations etc etc. God did send a few and am really thankful for these awesome brothers.

However, for a substantial part of these crises, I have to go through it alone. Depression, I assume afflicting us modern young adults, usually comes from loneliness. I tried looking for answers from the establish church, but couldn’t. And I looked around wondering how do people cope with these problems? 3 Simple steps:

1. Find a boyfriend/girlfriend
2. Have a very close group of buddies
3. God

1. BGR:

Frankly speaking, if depression is afflicting you, finding a spouse is The last thing one should look out for. (You will be very dependent) and not wholly secure in being single for the Lord. Of course, that doesn’t stop me from wishing everytime that there can be a physical being (other than God) to hug and lean on (yes guys too!).

2. Have a very close group of buddies:

As for kindred spirits / close friends, it is God’s grace and gift to us rather than a right expected from the church. For example, a sizeable majority of us want to be mentored, but how many good mentors are there, and of these, how many of them can truly become your friends? So, I concluded that if you look for answers from the church, it is in most occasions an uncertain bet.

Of course if one asks for support, there will be kind souls who are willing to lend a listening ear with a palpitating heartbeat thrown in, but this is not a permanent solution. Cos when a person looks for support, he/she is also looking for a friend…and not only that, but a solid friend to trust and rely upon. Assuming that there are a few carebears in the church; these few in the church will be getting the majority of such attention…..how then can these few apportion their emotional energies to so great a need? (sorry hor, I am not Jesus Christ )

Whilst in Sydney, I realised that a friend of mine do have a group of friends she catch up with occassionally and each time they catch up, they can pour their hearts out. (I assume we are looking for these types) Two ways to this stage is:

1. One is to find a kindred spirit whilst serving in church ministry,
2. the other is through your younger years when you are in
primary/secondary/JC/Uni and found a precious gem of a friend.

Both these steps take time, sometimes very long time I for one don’t really have that many, only 2-3 I can turn to. Even when I try to open up to others, others might not want to open up to me. And I suppose, I can’t force other people to open up to me rite?

3. God
Of course, this is the grand finale that is found in most ten year series The covenant answer then is yes and no No, because when I am depressed, I yearn for a teddy bear, not a cosmic superpower! But yes, because throughout my “valleys of death” God has never once abandoned me, he lead me through this painful journey of feeling abandoned by the church and forces me to reckon what it means to fully find security in Him.

I recommend depression …. It’s good for the soul life, provided you cling on to God. It might be His way of drawing us to rely solely on Him and Him alone. When all else fails think about the great cloud of witnesses we have:

- David who got betrayed by his flesh and blood and was so depressed that no one could even come close to understanding the torment in his soul
- Job, who not only lost everyone, but kanna disturbed by 3 religious persons
- Jesus the Man of many Sorrows
- Paul who spend some years in the deserts before returning to civilisation. And during his final prison years, many Christians shied away from him, leaving him rejected after pouring out himself for the church
- Our 19the century Missionaries (No aeroplane, no telephone hor) who left all that they have known to save the hardened heathens who persecute them and leave them lonely and broken.

Joe (alone in Sydney)